Dear Jezzy: Trouble with Trolls

The Paranormal Tribune, May 2, 1974

Dear Jezzy,

I act like a normal enough troll. I excel at crushing humans under boulders, partake of the Saturday goat soup special, and make a pretty penny collecting tolls at bridges; but if any of the other trolls knew what I was deep down, I'd be shunned. I'd be considered a pariah because I am not interested in she-trolls. I realized this about a year ago when I left my mountain post for a trip to REI to check out the latest outdoor gear sale. I bumped into a satyr and he started a friendly conversation.

I kept thinking, "Wow, now that's some tail!" Naturally, being a troll and not one to hang out with goat-men, I tried to get him out of my mind. Goats and trolls have a long history of not getting along.

Still, I couldn't stop thinking about the satyr. I kept fantasizing about his brawny goat legs and hairy chest. And his horns... those just made me, well, never mind. He is supposed to be my enemy, but when I think about eating him, well, all these naughty ideas start to fill my head and I'm left panting and hungry for his love.

I'm ashamed to admit I went to REI several more times, hoping to run into this hottie, and last week he was there! He asked me out on a date--well, maybe it wasn't a date. It was coffee. I had such a good time and I think he did, too. I asked him when we could meet again. He wants to come see my bridge. I don't know. What if the other trolls find out? What if I try to put the moves on him and he just wanted to be friends?

--Troubled Troll

Dear Troubled,

Coming out of the cave is a big move, especially when your love interest is a different species. One thing to consider is that times are changing. Trolls and goats don't have to be separated by the racial divide you once were. If it makes you sleep any easier at night, a satyr is only half-goat. And from what I understand, male-male and female-female relationships aren't that rare in the troll community. In fact, I hear there are quite a few male-tree stump, male-unicorn, and male-gnome relationships in the troll community as well. There are support communities out there for trolls who have non-traditional love interests. Consider joining one of these to broaden your network of friends.

As for being afraid to make a move on your love interest on a second date, I'd usually agree with you there, and suggest caution and moving slow. On the other hand, this is a satyr. They're as horny as, well, a troll. What other reason would he want to come see your bridge? He wants to get laid, plain and simple.

I say, have your goat soup and eat it too.

--Jezzy

Confidential to Spurned in Hades: Take my advice. Chill.

Confidential to Easter Bunny: I know you are randy as a well... never mind, but you have to consider, no one likes a rabbit who kisses and tells. Naked snapshots of you and your latest flashing across the magic mirror are not going to impress anyone. Not unless you shave first.

Confidential to Myself: I need to start listening to my own advice.

Jezebel Lincoln has worked as a mystic, fairy godmother, and muse. By this point, she has dated cupids, mermen, yokai, orgasm fairies, and fairy godfathers. Her current methods of dating involve using her magic mirror or crystal ball to peruse the Mr. Good Enoughs of the fairy realm. She's been writing love advice since 1612. Her columns are syndicated by Charming Industries to The Immortal Herald, The Undead Times, Lower Worlder Press and other smaller publications in the fairy realm.