Dear Jezzy: Sleepless in the Underworld

The Lower Worlder Press, June 13, 1935

Dear Jezzy,

I really like bad boys. You know--the badass monster who wears a leather jacket and rides a motorcycle, but who is actually sensitive and misunderstood. Because I wanted to date a monster, I tried a vampire. I thought he would be a tough, dominating alpha male and endearingly chauvinistic.

All he ever wants to do is sit in his recliner and drink blood. He doesn't open doors for me. He doesn't have any powers of seduction. And he doesn't sparkle.

What should I do? I'm tired of dating wimpy, beta werewolves and workaholic devils. I want someone wild in bed and adorably moody. Is there something better out there?

--Sleepless in the Underworld

Dear Sleepless,

Have you ever considered you might be dating the wrong kind of bad boy? It sounds like you've been sucked into dating the highly overrated monster types. Is it their lack of true evil that's letting you down, or do you just need to try something new--and perhaps a little more exotic? Have you ever considered dating a Minotaur?

Forget the rumors: there's more than one--and more than enough to go around. These Greeks have the head of a bull and the body of Adonis. They are ferocious, survive on human flesh, and are known for being wild beasts in bed. For the immortal who finds the stubbornly bull-headed temperament endearing, this dude is for you. And if sex is what you truly care about, yes, it's true; they are hung like, well, a Minotaur.

--Jezzy

Confidential to Pining Cupid: She's just not that into you. Don't bother aiming that arrow at her heart.

Confidential to Hairy Wolf-lady: The real problem is you can't have your boy AND eat him too. Make up your mind.

Jezebel Lincoln has worked as a mystic, banshee, and bogey-woman. After a few decades of dating an orgasm fairy, she's decided that on the spot orgasms are nice and all, but fidelity and loyalty are more important. Jezzy has been writing love advice columns since 1612. Her columns are syndicated by Charming Industries to The Immortal Herald, The Undead Times, Lower Worlder Press and other smaller publications in the fairy realm.

She is currently single.