Dear Jezzy: I Dream of Djinn

The Modern Fairy Weekly, August 5, 2014

Dear Jezzy,

I have been dating a muse for a hundred years. About fifty years ago, he moved in with me. About ten years after that, I started hinting I'd like to get married. He didn't acknowledge the hints. After another ten years, I flat out told him. He said he didn't want to be tied down to another immortal for all of eternity. I'm pretty happy most of the time except for this one aspect of our relationship. One of my friends suggested I hire a genie to grant my wishes to come true: ask for my boyfriend to propose to me as my first wish, ask for him to get a job as my second wish, and ask for him to contribute to rent as my third. I'm not sure if magic will work on him because his natural muse abilities might repel other magical creatures' powers.

What do you suggest?

--Dreaming of Djinn

Dear Dreaming,

It's time to take your head out of the clouds and check in with reality. You need to dump your loser boyfriend--he doesn't have a job and he lives with you and doesn't pay rent!--and start dating someone better. You know what they say about a muse out of a job; they aren't any better than a succubus--and far less a-musing.

You don't need to get a djinn to cure your commitment-phobic boyfriend. Do you truly want a flakey, flightly muse who will leave you in your most passionate moment anyway? You need to change what you want. Start dating a djinni. These powerful spirits have the ability to travel vast distances, are made of smokeless fire, and are smokin' hot. Most people know about the djinni, or genie, of the lamp, but did you know they also have a fondness for jewelry?--As in the genie of the ring. Who doesn't want a ring that comes with a life-long commitment? After this bad boy makes your wish come true, I guarantee you'll be saying, "I dream of djinn."

--Jezzy

Confidential to Santa: Stop sending me letters about the torrid affairs you have with elf vixens in the North Pole toy workshop. You are making me jealous. P.S. What's with the cookie fetish? You do know 1 in 10 immortals suffer from diabetes, right?

Confidential to Myself: Once again I should take my advice and start dating a genie. Or a Santa.

Jezebel Lincoln has used her crystal ball and magic mirror for hundreds of years looking for her own Mr. Right. Since every handsome catch is either married or a celibate kraken, she frequently settles on a Mr. Right Now. She's been reading whiny letters from desperate immortals since 1612, occasionally finding some hunky immortal she is interested in dating. Her columns are syndicated by Charming Industries to The Immortal Herald, The Undead Times, Lower Worlder Press and other smaller publications in the fairy realm.