Dear Jezzy: What a Wanyudo Wants, a Wanyudo Gets

The Immortal Herald, April 1, 2014

Dear Jezzy,

My boyfriend is going to be 2,000 years old this month. He's a wanyudo, a Japanese demon who sucks souls out of bodies. He's one hot flaming wheel who has just about everything. I'd like to give him something special for his birthday. What do you think he'd like?

--Margaret

Dear Margaret,

Never mind what he'd like--that would be your immortal soul. Take my advice: give him a tie.

--Jezzy

The Immortal Herald, April 2, 2014

Dear Jezzy,

You seem to have the view that all a devil could possibly want from a woman is to gain her soul. Not all devils are like that. Sure, some devils enjoy their work so much that tormenting becomes engrained in them. Is this any different than one of those obsessed tooth fairies who floss six times a day?

As unpopular as it might be to do so, devils stick to the old ways. The job of a devil isn't to grant wishes in exchange for a soul. There are plenty of evil genies out there who do that. Devils punish the wicked. We torture murderers and evildoers. It falls upon the work duties of some devils to test the pure of heart and give them choices, hoping they will choose outcomes that lead to their self-betterment. We don't have quotas or get bonuses for extra souls coming in. It isn't like we want humanity to fail. Those occupying the once noble profession of devil are concerned with judgment and justice.

--M. Devil

Dear M. Devil,

Thanks for the lesson in demon morality. I'll keep it in mind the next time a devil cheats on me with a younger-looking, hornier garden fairy.

--Jezzy

Confidential to Confused Yaoguai: Here's the difference between a muse and a succubus: a muse inspires one to create beauty, leaving the human client fulfilled and energized. A small portion of the excess energy is collected. A succubus inspires sexual energy, most of which they collect, leaving the human drained and unsatisfied. In case you're wondering, a devil uses you for sex, rips out your heart, stomps on it and hands it back to you--if you're lucky.

Jezebel Lincoln has been gracing the paranormal world with her love advice columns since 1612. She wouldn't mind being visited by her own fairy godfather, tooth fairy, or orgasm fairy in the middle of the night. She'd even settle for a bogeyman if it meant some sexy time in her walk-in closet. Her columns are syndicated by Charming Industries to The Immortal Herald, The Undead Times, Lower Worlder Press and other smaller publications in the fairy realm.