Topic
Humor
Stories that make us laugh. The hardest genre to write well, perhaps.
2021
"Lord, save me from sequels." "I'm sorry, what?" "Nothing. Thank you for coming in. We wanted to discuss your story, 2021." "Happy to." "Thing is... this story doesn't really come together for us." "What does that even mean?" "Okay, look. It feels like you rushed this into being…
We Sold Our Sol
We'd like you to hear us out on this. We know that change is unsettling, often frightening. It's one of those great human truths, the kind people put on their mantle in carved wooden letters. No major shift in human society has ever been easy. There is always anxiety, sometimes…
Virgilius The Saucerer
Virgilius the Potter made pleasing plates and beautiful bowls. He made comely cups, and the prettiest pitchers; but, the artistic altitude achieved by his saucers was unmatched. Artists wept for joy at the sight of a Virgilius saucer. Competing potters wrecked their wheels, and…
All 9,203 Episodes of How I Met Your Broodmother, Ranked
Beloved of trillions, How I Met Your Broodmother is the comedy masterpiece billed as humanity's Three's Company [archive link] meets Sk-Tk-Daa's Thirty-thousand Laugh Moments. It matches Tk-Tk-Kaana and Tk-Tk-Akaadi--two ambitious young Catlixian breeders trying to adjust to…
How Tolkein Saved the World
Come closer, dear lads and lasses, as Kai Lung II unfurls his mat and regales you with tales filled with monumental happenstances, awe-inspiring wonders... and dubious morals. Once upon a time, the dolphins had had enough of the humans polluting their seas. They decided to…
Alien at Home
Daniel, our nine-year old son, walked his cockroach out to the edge of the driveway where I stood reading the newspaper. "Full frontal assault in the kitchen, Dad," he said. "I've got even money on Mom. She's battle-tested." I turned the page to scan headlines about aliens…
Kicking the Football
You meet up with Lucy around a quarter past ten, on one of the benches beside the football field. "Charlie Brown," she hails you, in that Lucy voice, all authority and confidence. "How are you, Lucy?" you ask her, folding her in a tight embrace. She shrugs, "All right, I guess."…
Ten Surefire Steps to Romance for the Workaholic Commuter Who Doesn't Make Time for His Social Life
*This public service video announcement was funded by MOAC and has been approved as "within limits for public posting" by the Union Public Transport System.* 1) Take the Commuter Honeycomb an hour early every morning. That gives you more time to meet people and you can always…
A Surefire Treatment for Dizzy Spells
"Sit down, sit down," Algrin said to the client. A youngster, really just a boy. "I don't think I've seen you in here before, have I?" "No, no," the young man said. He wouldn't make eye contact. Well, that wasn't unusual. "Have a seat. Why don't you tell me the problem?" Algrin…
Darkening Skies
Welcome to Dystopian Airlines. We now request your full attention as our flight attendants demonstrate the safety features of this Boeing 666 aircraft. Should we experience a loss of cabin pressure, an oxygen mask will drop from the compartment above your seat. Place the mask…
Madhouse on Aisle 12
I reach for a package of chocolate chip cookies. "Partially hydrogenated oils," the cookies say. "Palm oil, even. Be quicker if you just stabbed yourself in the heart. Also, we've been sitting here for... gotta be eight months." I throw the package in my cart and move on to the…
Pot
There was no doubt. Green clothing? Check. Top Hat? Check. Red Beard? Check. Smoking a pipe? Check. It was a leprechaun. Arnold couldn't believe his change of luck. Things had been going badly for him lately. There were rumors of firings at Burger King and he knew that Mr.…
Misperception
He walked quietly among the leaves, every sense organ available to him at full alert and extending out in all directions. Despite his deafness, he always had a 360-degree sweep of what was going on around him. This was pure instinct for him and had been since he was born. As he…
Supply and Demand in the Post-War Economy
"So, Reeves! I imagine you're surprised to see me." "I must confess that your resurrection has come as something of a shock, sir. I had thought you quite dead and buried!" "Evidently not, Reeves." "Indeed, sir." "If I'm not mistaken, you sound a trifle embarrassed." "With…
Shredded
Silence in the medicenter. There's no electronic hum in spacecraft in this century, nor vibrations from the anti-matter engines. A dim healing green light pulses from the walls, floor, and ceiling. Perfect for maintaining the wellbeing of the four patients. There's a glint of…
How Earth Narrowly Escaped an Invasion From Space
Lieutenant-Admiral Whiskers stared at the ominous planet on his view screen. It was still very far away, a tiny fishbowl with an even smaller moon hanging at its side like a saucer of milk. The view grew steadily clearer as the invasion fleet approached its target. The sound of…
Hap.py
***Editor's Note: Our apologies - the limitations of our format (and attempts to be readable across many different email programs) mean that this story does not have the right spacing, or indentation. Please imagine that it does.*** # You liked showing me the ancient tech in…
Needs More Salt
Today I learned that anything is edible with enough salt. It started this morning when my little brother Todd bit through the cardboard packaging to get at the sugarcoated marshmallow cereal bits inside. "Spit that out," I told him. "You can't eat cardboard." "Can too," he said,…
Pavlov's Final Research
The front doorbell jingled. Ivan Petrovich Pavlov reflexively pushed his aged body up from his chair, his bones creaking in protest, and shambled to the foyer to answer it. Was it the postman, delivering good news? Probably not, he thought. He hadn't received any good news for…
Jimmy Smith Has a Dinosaur
"Moooooommmmm! Pleeeeease?" "No, Billy, you can't have one." Billy's mom picked up another plate, one of the chipped ones, and started wiping it dry with quick, almost-savage strokes of the dishtowel. She knew what was coming next. "But why, Mom?" argued Billy. "Jimmy Smith has…
Intolerance
CONVERT NOW--THE END IS NEAR. The sign, held by a tiny pink paw, bobs along a path that cuts through the ferns. "They're everywhere nowadays," I say. "Used to be they'd run away, or at least hide in the shadows." Steggie stares at the receding figure. "Heretic. I should've…
Alpha & Omega: A Co-creative Tale of Collaborative Reality
On the day the world began, there were 100 monkeys in the trees. The next day there were 500, then 1,000. Somebody pulled out a typewriter, which hadn't been invented yet, obviously. But there it was. One of the monkeys swung down, grabbed a banana on the way down, perched a…
Dear Ms. Moon
Dear Mr. Moon Man or Ms. Moon Lady, I would like very much for gravity to continue to suck or pull or whatever it does, but if you could do so with just a bit more nuance I would be very grateful. My brother, Henry, keeps jumping off the roof in a Wonder Woman costume, and I…
A Little-Known Historical Fact
�You know, Billy,� said George Washington, �When I was a young boy, my mother used to say something to me, by way of encouraging me in my childhood endeavors.� �Is that so, Mr. President?� Billy held up the jacket for Washington. �Now, Billy, calling me that is a bit premature,�…