Dear Jezzy: The Problem with the Santas

The Lower Worlder Press, March 25, 2014

Dear Jezzy,

I am fed up with my job at the North Pole Industries. Those Santas are lazy, slave-driving tyrants. The problem is, I don't have a lot of experience other than as an elf. My friends tell me my only other option is to become a toilet fairy, but I can't stand the idea. Do you have any suggestions?

--Tommy

Dear Tommy,

There's no reason to toil away at the North Pole. Plenty of other jobs are out there. Take my advice: apply at a shoe repair sweatshop. Or at a cookie factory. With any luck, you'll be able to slip a little laxative into a batch of cookies and send it to your former Santa slave driver for a little sweet revenge.

--Jezzy

The Immortal Herald, March 26, 2014

Dear Jezzy,

You previously asked me what my question was. How can I get my angel to marry me? I'm afraid she might say no because we live in different dimensions. Part of me fears tarnishing her pureness and goodness if I bring her into the lower realms.

--M. Devil

Dear M. Devil,

You're right. She probably is too good for you.

--Jezzy

Confidential to A-musing muse: There are reasons immortals abstain from the forbidden delights of human love. As you said yourself, you need to be professional so your current client doesn't cut his ear off like your last one did.

Jezebel Lincoln has been gracing the paranormal world with her love advice columns since 1612. She brings to her experience a history of dating Easter Bunnies, cupids, and even a wendigo. Her columns are syndicated by Charming Industries to The Immortal Herald, The Undead Times, Lower Worlder Press and other smaller publications in the fairy realm.