Careers for Magical Creatures: A Fairy Godmother's Guide to Conduct with Clients

You've passed your fairy godmother classes with top honors and landed yourself a job with the Division of Fairy Godmothers. What's the next step? As you apprentice for your new career, keep a copy of Fairy Godmother Conduct handy.

Being a fairy godmother is a rewarding career for an immortal that involves helping nobles and heroes on a daily basis. This prestigious job isn't for everyone. Some fairies are destined to work as shoe repair elves, garden fairies, and minimum wage elves in the Santa Industries a.k.a. Santa's sweatshop. But not you. You're better than those lowly immortals.

Below is a guide for conduct expected of fairy godmothers, developed after one fairy got too close with a noble and breached the godmother-godchild relationship. Make sure you look over this list and consider whether you can adhere to the, "Don't ask, don't kiss and tell," policy of DFG (the Division of Fairy Godmothers) before your first day on the job.

1.) Keep conversations with your human godchild appropriate, respectful, and professional.

2.) Under no circumstance should you ever kiss Prince Charming.

3.) Do not keep pinups of all the most eligible princes in the land in your office with hearts drawn around your favorite.

4.) Under no circumstance should you ever make out with Prince Charming in a carriage.

5.) Do not engage in quid-pro-quo relationships in which you offer a noble special powers, riches, or a hundred years of sleep in exchange for sex.

6.) Ensure you aren't alone with your human godchild while working your bibbidi-bobbidi-boo magic on him or her. In a pinch, enchanted rodents make perfectly acceptable chaperones. You don't want to be accused of undressing and caressing your client with magic.

7.) Do not spend time with King Charming in a shower.

8.) Remember your place in fairy society. Do not grow attached to clients or expect invitations to balls, coronations, or special events. We should all remember a certain fairy godmother's tantrum when she wasn't invited to Sleeping Beauty's christening and what happened to her career.

9.) If Princess Charming or Queen Charming invites you to a slumber party, politely decline and explain it is the D.F.G. policy not to fraternize with humans in negligees.

10.) Your clients are fragile human beings who haven't the ability to shield themselves from your magic. It is only natural they might become infatuated with you. It's your duty to remain formal and professional, and to refuse invitations to make your wishes come true.

Oh, yeah, and don't do anything with any other humans either. Adhere to these guidelines while working with clients for success in your new career. As one recently fired fairy godmother put it, "Why do princesses have all the fun? Can't I have my cake and kiss it, too?" Such are the words of someone before they are demoted to tooth fairy.

And when all else fails, remember, falling for Prince Charming is the number one reason for tooth fairy recruitment.