Clickbait for Paranormals: You'll Never Believe This Urban Wendigo's Guide to Hunting Tasty Treats

You'll Never Believe This Urban Wendigo's Guide to Hunting Tasty Treats

So you tried human flesh once a hundred years ago and now you're addicted. Times are changing, but our taste for human flesh isn't. If your natural habitat of forest, mountain, or desert is looking a little sparse in the meat department, check out an urban setting where there is a greater selection of prey to choose from. Just be aware, the city isn't like the country where it's safe to eat just any stray traveler.

As the world becomes more polluted, it's difficult to find human livestock that isn't contaminated with hormones, antibiotics, pesticides, adrenalin, or other contaminants--especially in the city. Consider the hints below for finding tasty treats and how to keep them fresh and delicious.

1. Remember, you aren't just eating that human; you're eating everything he or she put into their body. If stalking at a supermarket, avoid the prey with Twinkies, hotdogs, and other processed foods in their carts.

2. Kill your prey without drawing out his/her terror. In a healthy, well-rested human, the muscle fiber is high in glycogen which then converts to lactic acid upon death. This is what makes the muscle tender and tasty. If a human is stressed during slaughter, the lactic acid becomes depleted and the flavor is reduced. Ick!

3. Try free-range, organic humans. Consider waiting in the shadows outside yoga and Zen meditation classes to see what tasty morsels walk out.

4. Before eating a human, consider scrounging through his or her medicine cabinet or purse to ensure you don't find any antibiotics, hormones, or other medications you don't want in your meat.

5. Avoid humans who have stressful lifestyles: those who work multiple jobs, have children, are in bad relationships, and have car or financial problems. Instead, focus on the calm, happy humans who get along with others and will be missed by all when you eat them. Yum!

6. Forget the thrill of the hunt. This is about quality meat. Try the age-old trick vampires have been using for centuries and seduce your food into coming to you!

If you're new in the area and looking for other Wendigos, consider stopping by the monthly Wendigo Potluck in the basement of Hipster Healthfood on the first Saturday evening of the month.