The Seven Habits of Highly Effective Monsters

It isn't easy being green, scaly, or abominable these days. Humanity turned the tables on the apex predators of the food chain, and has been exterminating us with extreme prejudice.

We're still faster and stronger than they are, but we're prone to defeat by bad judgment. Heed the lessons of our vanquished brethren; learn from their mistakes and remain successful, extant, and satiated.

1) Don't Rely on Henchmen

There's no denying that it's emotionally satisfying to be worshipped--or at least obeyed--by humans. However, there is little practical benefit. In the entire history of henchmen, cultists, minions, lackeys, and worshippers, one is hard-pressed to come up with a single paragon of effectiveness. Instead they tend to be slow, dim-witted, and clumsy.

At best, your followers might mildly inconvenience your adversary as he or she rampages through your lair or secret laboratory, Sharp Object of Destiny in hand. At worst, they might develop last-minute regrets and attempt to throw you down the nearest shaft.

So next time someone asks if you're a god, just eat them.

2) Heed the Warning Signs

Ignoring the obvious means you're just asking for trouble. For example, vampires and other beings highly allergic to Vitamin D are advised to steer clear of towns with the word "sunny" in their name. That's just common sense.

There are plenty of better targets, places with names that evoke gothic dread and despair. Names like Gloaming Creek, Murky Hallow, Gloomsburg, or Detroit.

3) Be Aware of Your Surroundings

Don't climb skyscrapers. There's little room to maneuver up there, and the position isn't defensible.

If your adversary is running away, they're almost certainly leading you into a trap.

Pre-plan your retreat. Always know the shortest route to the nearest sewer, secret passage, or inter-dimensional portal.

If retreat isn't an option, pretend to be their friend. A surprising number of humans will fall for a few sparkles and a tortured expression.

4) Practice Safe Invading

When invading alien planets, be sure that all your vaccinations are up to date.

Your mothership's operating system shouldn't be compatible with the latest in Earth's computer virus technology.

Whatever resources you seek on Earth (water, oxygen, landmass to terraform) are cheap and plentiful elsewhere in the universe.

If you've achieved interstellar flight, your robots are probably safer, smarter, and longer lasting than human slave labor.

5) Mix it Up

Adjust your tactics to keep your nemeses guessing:

It's okay not to eat the lone black guy first. The rest of his party will never expect it if you start with someone else.

Stab your adversary in the middle of explaining your nefarious plan to them.

Don't place your calls from inside the house.

6) Hunt Safely

On average, few modern humans have access to silver bullets, pitchforks, or wooden stakes soaked in holy water. Improbably, the odds of anyone who encounters a monster possessing such items rise exponentially.

Always comport yourself as though everyone has access to the one thing that can pierce your otherwise-indestructible skin or body armor.

7) Reconsider

Even if you meticulously prepare your schemes and pay careful attention to the safety tips above, at the end of the day you must ask yourself: is it really worth it?

The most dangerous monster of all is man. For best results, avoid encounters at all costs.