Marla Corbet: Living (With The Invaders)

Ever since the DarkMouth of Saydeer opened over the Nevada desert, we've lived under constant threat from the Saydeerian Brood-Hoards and their duplicitous human-imitating doppelgangers. I don't know about you, but every time I enter a room and have my DNA scanned to make sure I'm not a Saydeerian, it really brings me down, not just because of the existential threat to humanity, but also because the scanners are so grim and depressing. Well, today, we're going to do something about that.

Hello. I'm Marla Corbet. Thanks for tuning in. Today on Marla Corbet: Living we're going to spruce up some of the absolutely necessary protective measures that keep all of you safe from the invaders.

Let's start with the DNA scanner. Look at it. It's very unfriendly. But with just a few sprigs of ivy, we can transform it into a decorative wall fixture. See what I've done here? I've simply tied a few tendrils along the primary receptor and... there, perfect! It covers up those harsh edges. Much friendlier. And you don't have to use ivy. You can use flowers or grass--personally I find that the green really brightens up the whole room. Now, I know string and other such materials are strictly rationed, but there's a cost-effective material you can use to tie these off that I bet you haven't thought of.

Your own hair.

Now, you may be wondering if putting ivy--or human hair--next to the receptor will impede it, and the answer is no. Absolutely not. Just watch as I put my own hand up to the receptor. See? It has correctly identified me as not a Saydeerian doppelganger.

Perfect!

Next up, the fecal emitters. Every home has one of these important, necessary tools to keep the Saydeerians away. And we all hate having to harvest Saydeerian brood-hoard scat to keep it full. And while the smell is absolutely repulsive to the invaders, it's not all that pleasant for us real-life human beings either. But you can mask some of that smell using a few drops of Saydeerian nutritional paste. And the best part is, you can find it in the very same place you harvest brood-hoard scat. It will be slightly purple and a little viscous and stored three to five feet away from the scat holes. And it doesn't take much, just a teensy little drop or two, and your fecal emitters will smell like spring rain, while still being completely and utterly abhorrent to the Saydeerian invaders.

Of which I am absolutely not one.

Right now you're probably thinking: Marla, why should we do this? The human resistance is making great strides against the invaders. Why should we try to cover up or hide these completely necessary safety precautions which are, in some cases, the only things protecting us from the Saydeerians. And the answer is: because it makes our lives better. It's not enough to win the war. We need to remind ourselves daily of who we are. These little bits of comfort, even in the face of utter destruction at the hands of a devastating alien invasion force, these are the things that make us humans.

Humans from Earth. Which we all are. Obviously.

And on that note, I have one last suggestion. I know we're supposed to stay quiet on hunting nights, but I think it's time we took a symbolic stand. Do the other things first with the scanner and the emitter--and after you have, you should find a recording of your favorite song. And on the next full moon, when the Saydeerians cry out with deafening shrieks of bloodlust, you should crank up your stereo and play that song as loud as possible. Let the Saydeerians know that you, an Earth-human, are not afraid of them, despite their overwhelming numbers and technology. Let them know that you will not be driven to silence just because it makes you quote-unquote "safer."

Let them know that you have spruced up your protective measures in ways that have definitely not disabled them.

And get as many of your friends to do this as possible. The tides are turning. And I have a feeling that this invasion is going to be over very soon.

Perfect!