1. Get in shape! The holiday season can be hell for the old waistline. Same story every year: too many curried rats and caramelized turnips. Crazy Pete is looking great since he switched to an all beetle and dirt diet.

2. Be more active! Must get out of my lazy ways. Some days the only exercise I get is walking the two miles to the stream and then pedaling for thirty minutes to boil the drinking water!

3. Get out more! I can't keep hiding away in the underground bunker my whole life. I need to try and keep down some of those anti-radiation tablets and get out there and enjoy the great outdoors, in spells of no more than two hours per day of course. Maybe I can travel to the next village over and visit their tree.

4. Make the most of the sun. Last year I spent so long cooped up that I barely enjoyed those beautiful July afternoons of up to ninety minutes sunshine.

5. Get to know the neighbors. Don't let bigotry stop me from forming life-affirming friendships. I shouldn't be so scared of a little word like "cannibal."

6. Be open to the possibility of finding love. Get back on that horse! A few bad experiences shouldn't mean I give up. Not every woman I meet wants to harvest my organs.

7. Maybe get a pet! A little doggie to keep me company wouldn't be so bad. And the rumors of the rabid canine mega-packs devouring everything in their path are just that, rumors. Of course, that could be because all eyewitnesses get stripped to the bone.

8. Learn a new skill! I'm so very jealous of the lovely decorative bowls Mrs. Johnson makes out of human skulls. And those scapula bon-bon trays!

9. Drink less. I really should cut down on the alcohol. Although I do only drink about once a week now and it has been months since Jerry's ale last caused mass blindness.

10. I really should go to church more. If only it wasn't so expensive. But what can you do about the rising price of sacrificial goats? Never mind shelling out for a virgin.

11. Learn French.

Mark Cowling

New Year's Resolutions 2087