Author
Jez Patterson
Memoirs of an Intergalactic Thespian, Chapter XI: No Holds Bard
"But if we're not allowed to speak the name of the play, how on Earth are we to advertise it?" one of my Players enquired. "It is between actors the name must not be mentioned!" I explained. "That's a tad difficult since the principal character is called Macbeth. And there's an…
Quest Rest
The inn sat at the edge of a forest on one side, an ocean another, mountains the third. The road that led you there, that ended at its door, rode through--on the whole--pleasant countryside, habitable land. Poll stirred the stew set before him, whilst a mental spoon stirred the…
Nothing To Sneeze At
"And she's definitely here?" Felicity asked, looking around the room. "Why do you think we're wearing the masks?" Mark said. Felicity wasn't the scientific sister, far from it, but even she realized how absurd it was trying to actually see Gina. Not quite as absurd as attempting…
Wax Poetic
My memory banks aren't equipped with much of human history prior to the Industrial Age--since that period was the start that eventually led to my own creation. Or, as we like to label the process--in order to align ourselves with our human creators--that led to our "evolution."…
If You Smell A Rat
Harra bowed her head. It was another of those gestures which was common throughout the universe. "I am sorry," she said. Offering tears to put out an inferno was not just pathetic, it was insulting. The Palantop's remaining leader said nothing. The evacuation ship held its…
Childished
Nyah found the news so shocking she stopped walking. Luisa took several more steps without her until she noticed she was walking alone. "Something wrong?" Luisa asked. "A cull? They're really suggesting they cull the children?" Luisa frowned, the source of the annoyance not…
Charmed, I'm Sure
It wasn't just Al Capone and every flower shop the world over that looked to Valentine's Day to make a killing. Nadira ignored the body of Lady Charming--and the love tokens hanging from Lady's skirt, jacket, scarves and multiple belts--and glanced up and down the street. "What…
Dangers of Delivery
The term "expecting a baby" always seemed to include an element of doubt. As in: I was expecting a baby, so imagine my surprise when a chicken turned up. Captain Percina Saunders sighed, wishing the air she blew out would deflate some of the enormous belly that was currently…
Dangers of Do-Gooding
Back when she'd been a captain of the Fleet, before she'd chosen to marry her mentally and physically enhanced first mate and lost her command, Percina would have been flying sorties into the warzone, protecting refugees, or destroying the bases of errant warlords. Her current…
Dangers of Darlings
"The three Rs that are gained by your children attending school stand for Resting, Relief, and Rehabilitation," Percina's mother had told her. "And they refer to the parents, not their offspring." Since she'd become pregnant, Captain Percina Saunders had noticed a distinct lack…
Danger of Dancing
"It's 'mother' with the stress on the 'moth,'" Percina's own mother had told her. "Playing host to something that'll eat through clothes, is restless all night, and makes grown men flap their hands about in panic all the time." Martin wasn't showing any concern for her…
Dangers of Dangling
"Because angling makes men peculiarly obtuse," Percina remarked, having spent about an hour working out the line. As it were. Martin carried on setting out the fishing equipment. They were carrying a party of eight anglers who'd spent the entire voyage to the Wowen Cluster…
Perils in Promotion
Behind every grated man, Percina's mother was fond of saying, there's a woman who got tired of waiting. Following the capture of several hundred pirates in an area of space seedier than a parrot's birthday cake, the Fleet had requested Percina's presence. It had been tough going…
Perils in Piracy
An anagram of marriage, Percina's mother had once told her, is "I am rage." After Percina had counted out the letters, she pointed out there were two rs in marriage. "No, there aren't," her mother had replied. "There's only one, and you'll be married to him." On this occasion…
Perils in Pets
The only possible way that transporting animals involved a step up from human passengers was because you held it aloft to examine what you'd just trodden in. The space-limo business didn't look so bad now. "Have you fed it?" Captain Percina Saunders asked her husband. Once,…
Perils in Partners
The happy couple always act so incredibly wet when it comes to their wedding day! Percina's ever-pithy mother had complained on one occasion. It's why the ceremony has to conclude with them giving each other a wring. The bachelorette party Percina was transporting in her new…
Perils in Perfection
"It's a myth that you'll just sink in quicksand. It's denser than flesh, so you'll sink a bit, then... bob." Captain Percina Saunders stared at her husband. "Not that this is even sand we're in," Martin added. It was eggs. Billions, trillions, whatever-came-after-illions of…
Knowing Your Human
It wasn't necessary to read the scientific studies showing that humans possessed a high level of intelligence and a complex and expressive language--it was these precise qualities that made them such excellent pets. Of course, "pets" didn't really do justice to their function.…
Lyam
"We have to smother it on all over. Otherwise he'll dry out. Think of it like human babies weaning onto solids. They can't produce their own mucus until they're three years old. The dependency helps reinforce the bond between child and... Moira? Are you alright?" "I can't do…
Coffee Pot
"Don't you ever sleep?" she asked, and he shook his head. No, she thought. He never will, and he's going to keep you here forever, in this soft white bed, like some fairy princess. He was a thing of black moods, black shadows, black smudges. As if the thick, greasy coffee he…